Hello, dear readers.
I actually have a ton of really interesting new posts drafted/planned for this year and I’m incredibly excited to see where this blog goes. But lately, I’ve been in a bit of a mental tug of war with my old friends, anxiety & depression, who aren’t really friends at all.
With that said, I am simply not in the place to write about my cool topics, so I hope you will tolerate my venting about my beautiful, tragic, and perplexing mind.
I think that the most heartbreaking and annoying thing about mental illness is its inconsistency. Just when you think you are finally “better”, it all crashes down again. I had one of those crashes over the holidays. I was filled with constant sadness, exhaustion, overwhelm, and no desire to want to do anything about it, It’s not at all that I was tired of living, I was just tired of fighting to be happy. That’s the only way I can explain it.
When I started to do personal development work last year, I developed a routine to keep me grounded and started to learn what to do when an attack was coming on. For example, ideally, an anxiety free day would be:
I wake up and read/journal. I then check my emails and blogs and work on some correspondence. I free write a bit. I meditate, work out, and do yoga. Then I get on with my day. Then at the end of the day, I journal and read again.
The fact is, this is literally HOURS of maintenance every day, which is really hard for my busy mind/schedule to cope with. So I have this tumultuous relationship with my “happy routine”, meanwhile, depression sneaks in and steals the joy out of my day anyway so then I have no motivation to do any of it, and I am filled with guilt and shame for not doing or being enough. It’s a snowball.
I had an attack today. Although I am feeling better now, it was really rough. In the moment, it feels like there is nothing in the world that can make everything okay. Yet, it is all so small anyways. The part that makes it worse though is that for the past week, I’ve been doing great and on such a high.
Also, I think half of my non-close friends think I’m a head case because one minute I’m a lunatic full of joy or ambition and the next I am a crying mess of confusion and emotion. I feel everything, SO MUCH, and not everyone gets that.
It’s just a laborious job, carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I cleaned my room, lit a candle, did some yoga, cried a bunch, wrote letters to my feelings, ingested a ton of magnesium and I’m now feeling like a sleepy, happy camper. I have to remember to focus on the light & take CARE of myself.
I am grateful to have a mind that considers and feels so much, even though it can be exhausting. My mind and I will work this out together, and use the bad to create good, as we always do. I also know that this life is a gift and that joy, love, creativity, & curiosity are everywhere if you look for them.
If you struggle with this fun stuff, you are not alone! We have been blessed with weird, awesome, supersonic, alien minds that will conquer all mankind, I think. We just have to learn how to use our powers. I’m still learning.
Tomorrow will be better.